amanda macy hall

My background is in marketing and management. So for the last ten years (+ 4 more when I was learning how to market) I spent the majority of my awake hours telling stories, creating series, themes and programming, developing content and brands, and sharing sharing sharing it all with as many people as I could. It was my job and it is what I love and it’s what I’ve known for the majority of my adult life.

Becoming a mom didn’t eliminate the part of me that loves to create and loves to share. Gosh, if anything, it gave me more content ideas.

But being a mom and also creating and sharing sometimes makes me feel… icky.

Like I should only be hunkered down behind dirty diapers and crockpots and piles of toys. Like I should be tired and miserable and empty. And yes, sometimes I feel exactly that way. Minus the crockpot part, we don’t get along.

I feel this pressure to have sold my soul when I became a mom. Where is this coming from?! I don’t want that and well, I’m just not buying into it. But I still feel that faint whisper every time I “do something for myself.”

Every time I start or complete a project {even a new recipe}, when I post on my blog, or even to instagram, when my house is tidy and clean {that’s just the way I like it}. I feel like I’m doing it wrong. I feel embarrassed.

Lately, that makes me mad. Why do I feel like I should feel guilty when I create something? When I share something? When I do something that makes me feel alive?!

This space we are living in is riddled with comparison traps. I’m not above them, I fall into the feelings of “not enough” a lot. A lot. {in fact there are old posts on this blog about it. And lots more in my drafts…}

But when I “create content”, when I share something that has brought me joy or I feel may be useful to another, I am often left with a slight feeling that I have negatively added to a comparison trap.

Like I am part of the problem. Like I may be hurting someone.

Before I left the workforce in January of this year, I just don’t remember feeling this way. I shared and shared, I created content for myself and for the brands that I worked for. I never felt the fear that my voice and my ideas could pain others.

I mean we are talking about surface level content here, y’all … nursery inspiration, interior design seminars, tradeshow events, fashion shows, etc.

But we are still talking about surface level content! I show a recipe {that I likely didn’t even make up myself!}, share a simple storage idea, yammer on about my favorite laundry baskets and nightlights, etc.

When I was in the workforce I had an extra layer of myself. The layer with a tangible purpose, an explainable duty. For a long time it was the top layer. {btw… oops.}

These days my top layer is parenting. I’ve heard it called “Kingdom Work” and all sorts of other terms that are quite encouraging and endearing. It’s beautiful work. It is. Yet, not as easy for me to explain. Not as easy to hold onto. There isn’t quite as much to show for it on a day-to-day basis.

I’m still human. I’m still Amanda. Like I said earlier, the part of me that loves to create and to share didn’t magically evaporate when my children became my 9 to 5.

I once heard that ‘you should create something every day.’ Hell, it can be a sandwich. It can be more. It can be less.

That tag line has never left me. My hands are quite full of little {sticky} hands but my soul’s desires and my deep need to be “me” also never left.

And maybe this is prevalent because I am a mom now. I am more aware of all the pain points available to us. I’m probably more vulnerable now than I’ve ever been. My eyes are open a bit wider and I’m protective of what my children are exposed to. And what I am exposed to. I know what could hurt.

So what are we “supposed” to do on the Internet? What am I supposed to do with the creativity and energy I have bubbling up inside of me? {the stuff that isn’t poured into my kids, that is}

When I get excited about a new book I read, a closet I reorganized, or a new Trader Joe’s find… is it okay to share? I want that answer to be yes.

I want my sharing of home, food, organization, and parenting content to feel fun. To feel easy and simple. To possibly be helpful to you but at the least be slightly entertaining.

These days the internet just feels like friends. I pitch balls into the air and sometimes my friends catch them and we throw the ball back and forth and connect. And sometimes I meet new people. And a lot of times, I learn new things and find my own inspiration and energy.

But sometimes I don’t. And sometimes you don’t.

So, ugh.

Right now, I don’t really have a pretty bow to tie on this story. No true resolution. I vacillate between being proud of my ideas, creativity, and talents and feeling pretty icky guilty that I’m possibly hurting someone else by sharing them.

Maybe I’m taking myself too seriously. Probably. Definitely. Maybe I should’ve emailed this to myself and not posted it.

But then again, this version of my blog is different now. I’m cool with it being equal parts “basic blog” and “raw rambles.”

Again, no pretty bow. But I hope you’ll stick around. I hope you teach me things. I hope we grow, I hope we share, I hope we have fun!

Thank you for reading,

Amanda Macy Hall

PS: Tonight Emily Ley’s reoccurring advice {at her book tour event} was to “be still and know {that I am God}.” So I’ll be taking that advice. Even though I first had to unload all of this 😆 “Still” time starts now…