the perfect life

{written september 8, 2013}

There are a couple of moments in my life where it very clearly dawned on me that I dealt with things differently. One night  in college, my girlfriends and I were hanging out in the apartment drinking wine and talking about sorority life, school stresses, dating and our relationships. I sat in these conversations often, taking it in and providing input but never really commenting on my own life. On this particular evening the tables were turned on me. A close friend looked me straight on and asked me  “Why don’t you ever have problems?  How is your life so perfect?” 
The perfect life?! I was floored! I in no way had the perfect life, I had my problems and stresses just like the next person. But I lived with a very strict mentality that my issues were mine and mine only- a mentality of shame and life of silence that must be broken to live a normal, healthy, connected life. 

For years and years I have unconsciously conditioned a habit of holding in my own life, always choosing my words carefully as to display the perfect picture of a happy and healthy life to outsiders-to friends and loved ones. Ironically enough, the negative effects of this mentality are anything but happy and healthy. I have left myself feeling alone, feeling isolated and feeling different. 

After experiencing a kicking, screaming, ugly cry breakdown for the third time in front of my husband this summer {more frequent and intense than I have ever experienced before}, I have finally recognized the catalyst to change the way I deal with pressure and anxiety. Decades of keeping everything in and striving for perfection are coming to a forced end. I’ve dealt with bouts of anxiety and panic attacks on and off for years- sometimes taking medication, sometimes staying silent. I have turned to food, to shopping, to obsessing over new hobbies and interests and most recently to working myself to exhaustion. Always dealing in silence- feeling different and alone. 
Now in my first year of marriage I am intentionally traveling down a road to release the pressures, control the anxiety and heal the panic by unveiling my vulnerability and acknowledging my fears. I’m sure you are worried that I am going through this at the wrong time. My first year of marriage?! Aren’t I terrified that he will run in fear? That he will be confused about who his wife really is?  Well, after numerous long talks together and prayers upon prayers, I actually have a feeling of comfort and optimism {even excitement!}- that the timing is in fact right- largely in part because my husband is by my side and my God is with me.
Not all days are bad days- not at all. Thankfully the majority of my days are truly happy, positive and healthy. But the days when the panic sets hit- when I physically feel the effects of ‘holding it all in’ and placing too much pressure on myself- those days are hard. With my husband by my side, my parents in my corner and my God ever present- I am compelled to believe that now is the time to focus on healing. Now is the time to focus on living a connected life, a balanced life, a life where I truly feel that ‘I am enough.’

and this is my journey

One thought on “the perfect life

  1. You are in inspiration to me! Our God is bigger then anything. I love how He meets us right where we are to bring his healing right on in. Love you!


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