He is much bigger than my schedule

{written September 10, 2013}

Today is one of those days. I can’t break the feeling of being overwhelmed. I can’t figure out where to start. I’m stuck at work and in a state of panic. While waiting for a meeting, I rolled through Instagram and found a gem from Lara Casey, she wrote: “feel reassured that He is in control. He can make the impossible possible. He is bigger- MUCH bigger- than our schedules.” Such refreshing words, uplifting and positive, no doubt. But as I try to push down this panic attack, I struggle to hold on to them for an extended amount of time.

Today is day where I should absolutely be holding on to these words and acting on them with intention. But ‘done is better than perfect’ pushes so aggressively against my Type A personality that literally brings on panic. I struggle with the idea of knocking out a to-do list just to get items ‘in the hopper’…“that can’t be the right thing to do!” To complete a project not to the best of my ability? The next person to work on this project will suffer if I adhere to ‘done is better than perfect!’

This feeling of where to start and focusing my mind on one project is too much. Unlike most people, the feeling is paralyzing for me. My chest is tight, my eyes are filled with tears and I feel alone and completely helpless.

On a more positive note-

I am going to boldly call it divine intervention that Brene Brown‘s book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) found me this weekend. Sunday morning my husband and I were scrolling through social media feeds as we slowly started to wake up {side note- must break this habit!}, one ‘like’ led to another and suddenly I found myself watching this Ted talk video followed by this one. Instantly I felt understood- a feeling of comradery washed over me, calming my soul and giving rest to my uneasy heart.

Brene called my fears by name. She gave definition to my feelings.

We spent the majority of the day traveling to three bookstores in the Atlanta area until I owned every single one of her books {The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly and I Thought It Was Me}. I’m diving into her studies and crazy excited to learn more.

I believe I am in the midst of a journey. I hold on to the hope that over time my feelings of panic should shrink as I begin to feel more and more “enough”